2004-11-18 - 3:10 p.m.
Sometimes you find a good listener. And then you think a lot, about stuff you already know. Stuff you've known forever.
(I said I'd claw my heart out and give it to you.) (But I think I'd like to claw it out, dig it out, period. I'm suffocating myself again.)
So now what happens?
I have three journals. Too many email addresses. About 10 different handwriting styles. I'm not truly me in any of them. Scared scared scared. It's like I've forgotten everything I learned in therapy. Regressed, which is lovely. And about that, with the depression and stuff, soon I'll stop going down. And I really really really don't want to go sideways.
Sideways is always worse than up or down, I think.
I can't even say, "here I go again", because...it's more "here I am still going".
Will it get better? I always think to myself, "it has to", but that's wrong. It really really doesn't have to. I guess it'll get better when I make it better.
I miss Wolfdog, and I hate it.
I always think I'm trying. My God, that's the frustrating part. I'm always trying. Is it not hard enough, or am I just not doing it right? Not doing it right. Not doing it right.
still still still
