2004-12-28 - 7:54 p.m.
I've started collecting the little paper packets tea bags come in. I especially like the mint and vanilla ones. They smell good. The mint ones remind me of what the inside of that old lady's purse at church smelled like when I was a kid. All the loose mints rolling around, she'd pick the fuzz off and offer it as the congregation droned "Just as I Am" and I would get angrier and angrier because the song made me feel nauseous and tense.
Mostly because it was so slow and the preacher's voice was so nasal.
without one plea blah blah blah blah blah come over me
Work is ridiculous. I love my ridiculous clients. I also love making tea at work, because it is a good five-minute excuse to be doing something calm and familiar.
Today I saw the most beautiful sunset I have ever seen in my life. Ever, ever, ever. The clouds looked like pink waves, rolling forever and ever and ever. I couldn't understand why the people on the street, in the parking lot, weren't standing still, staring up at it with mouths hanging open.
Everything is ever, you see.
I really want some Polyphonic Spree. If anybody has any, let me know. STAT. I am not ashamed to admit my love for them. Which is even creepier than my love for Blink 182 and Dashboard. Sigh.
Shut up! I mean, they wear ROBES.
I had a panic attack for the first time tonight in...weeks. Familiar waves of pain and fear and the red then blue then black, followed by the familiar ocean of tears, familiar fetal position, familiar numbness afterwards. Lots of stress, I think, after the Great Holiday Fiasco and money and work and other things. I pulled myself out of bed afterwards, though, and instead of passing out I got some more packing done.
And then there is some really, really good stuff going on. It's so shiny and I feel happy.
Shiny like the sunset like the ice dripping in the alley like the tinsel stuck to my shoe like the broken glass at the bottom of the puddle like the tiny pieces of something good I found at the bottom of my dark insides, the bottom of my heart.
