2005-02-06 - 11:24 p.m.
So.
What do you do when you're sitting at a restaurant and realize the parents of the person who raped you are eating a few tables over?
Completely unexpected. It's not a good dinner conversation topic, really. Not something you want to bring up. Kind of a downer. During the fucking salad. You can't introduce a downer during the salad.
They didn't recognize me.
I've been thinking about it today. So much to digest from this weekend anyway, so much to process. And then there was this, this completely random encounter with the past. THE PAST, all capital letters, and they were sitting there, capital letters floating above their heads.
I've been musing over my reaction to seeing them. It seems strange, it was foggy and unreal for a moment and I had to go to the restroom and breathe, but that was it. I didn't flip out, I didn't stare at them. Didn't lose touch with reality. It was, oh, how strange to see them here. (They are people and they eat dinner too and they don't know I'm the girl their son fucked up, for a bit.) But it didn't ruin anything. The words floating above their heads vaporized and they turned back into random diners.
I wonder at my nonchalance. (Maybe the wine helped.) I was concerned that I was being emotionally aloof again, withdrawing to avoid the situation. But I don't think that was it. It just didn't completely matter.
Is this what healthy is? I feel so good. So comfortable with myself, firmly holding to things, fingers sunk into the ground, mud in my fingernails and I like it, I like it. It's almost scary to be healthy like this, to be unafraid and only paying attention to right now. Not The Past, just now and there are good things right now. Now is now, now is now.
I'm okay.
